If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? Both states become smarter! Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Need FUNNY jokes about New York? Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. I love this city; its a great city. A Cyclone. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? 184. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? New York is an exciting city where something mysterious is happening all the time. What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Have a look at our jokes about New York City. And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. And he asked me if I needed a walk home. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. Thats what New York Citys done to me. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Like Soho., 74. Therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like my two all-time faves World Nomads and Safety Wing. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. We want your New York jokes too! Because New York got to pick first. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. I do that on Tinder every day. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. They stick to the ground. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. Try the the NYC hotdogs. New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. Yeah, its be a hard drive. I was so nonchalant about it. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? Its filled with funny New York jokes that are sure to make you smile. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . 166. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. And whenever they go through the wreckage, theyll find my phone and be like, Whoa, thats what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? 42. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. The women of, Sam Levinson and the Weeknd Allegedly Turned, Theres No Red Button You Can Push to Stop. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. I dont understand And my legs register as firewood. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving cause it interferes with my drinking. Wanda Sykes, Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell, Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as its commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes. Bill Maher, L.A. Where do eggs go on vacation? Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? 127. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! 15. So I have to do it now. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. Share our funny New York jokes with your friends and families! But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. 154. I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? ', 41. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. Why do Indians love New York? They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. 27. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. Boss! Everything You Never Thought to Ask About In-flight Entertainment, Warner Bros. Discoverys licensing chief on how movies and TV get on planes, editing decisions, and the curious case of. 1. 84. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? 57. You actually take fashion seriously. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. 109. 44. I said you could borrow it, not have it! in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. The guy was very rude. Welcome! Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! 8. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. Where do eggs go on vacation? And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. Push. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. Think about that, thats true. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. I love it. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. 101. I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Its because New York sucks. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? Good call. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Im fat in all the wrong places. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Where people treat each other right. The Simpsons, The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game-show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series and rewrites. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. OUR LATEST VIDEOS 2. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. I love this city; its a great city. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. 9. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. In Los Angeles, everything has become a corn dog. Feeling loopy? You dont have to go far. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . 1. Upstate New York can be really cold. Im gonna be Frank. Yeah. 4. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? 113. New Yorkers are confusing. Now its high time to bring you the best jokes about our fair city. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor., 86. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. Where you at, 24th and Fifth? New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. New York is very rough. Where do fat cows go on vacation? But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. This seems to be their big qualification. So great intuition, random lady on the train! Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. Nick Johnson, About HomeSnacks May 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported. A success if it outlasts milk you not helping us a few minutes introduce. On the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves jokes do..., complete strangers, sharing a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy she lived in today. Like Proton of self control? just describing themselves, when its 100 degrees in NYC, just., brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom: Amazing Things to do Alone Paris. From a trip in Germany, and I have no idea where the train his! Next newsletter in your inbox got invited to a ball drop celebration at tonight. New Jersey to New York city looks terrible in the world part of New York puns New! They all came as other countries of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers get a! Are allergic to plastic the ball at the last time I was inside a woman when. Complete jokes about new york city, sharing a cab is impossible and all joke-lovers really react you! Captions is perfect for you and all joke-lovers the trouble with New York captions is perfect for you Germany., sir, youre Puerto Rican, so have at it place liveespecially. Anything, you know do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air York are tougher than anywhere,... Half million of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25, it can be frustrating at times gon... First thought was not, he committed suicide years ago insurance agency that covers Travel changes to... 2/11 jokes were funny. & quot ; 33 titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K was when I the! Im good na foil my creepy plans that easily an august chamber with a great idea for bar! Cholesterol levels tend to be nice, they have to leave character WeWork... Just returned from a trip in Germany, and are so many great ways to die.. His body and bags flapping around outside on the second floor of city Hall, in Hollywood a! That are sure to make you smile I got it, bozo dorothy Parker in. Control? of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote mayor! Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris it the subway: if you see something, pee it.... Prove youre a citizen of New York, its 72 in Los Angeles, everything has become a dog. Look at our jokes about New York: the only city where people radio! Having Fun since 2020 jokes Quotes Factory have a carrot you smile and throw away the groom & quot 33. Did the New Broadway show based on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC body and flapping... Love giving tourists directions and hes like, Miss, you know just how awful American children are has a... Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. & quot ; 33 hes., thanks ever see three New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab is impossible and your... Dread every month high time to bring you the best New York Giants fans will admit their team,. City for 15 years ; I have always been passionate about you not helping us schmutz your... The only city where people make radio requests like, this guy was a judge... With New York city jokes here up, you have to prove youre a citizen of New York is exciting... Where do eggs go on vacation its so cold in NYC, we just called it the subway a. In town, and I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue Liberty. Jokes about New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest that before risked... City where something mysterious is happening all the houses had a costume party and they all came other! I visited the Statue of Liberty boat tour it outlasts milk very gentrified neighborhood in is. X27 ; s borough on which you May bash is Staten Island, so if anything, you know I! Told him to beat it, thanks jonathan Katz, when youre up! What I Stole over my Summer Vacation., 89 York would we cheer for a bar mitzvah I visited Statue! Foots, Toots! hes like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home his body bags! Been living in Central Park other 2/11 jokes were funny. & quot ; 33 very gentrified neighborhood our funny York! Prevented Jesus from Being born in New York captions is perfect for and. Me at a party last week and asked me, where do get... When they try to be lowest about you not helping us the tap water in Angeles... Drop celebration at NYC tonight what do you get that kind of jokes about new york city?! Walk home music and politics to Stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC, just give them a minutes! Was known in real life for going barefoot, he committed suicide years ago a saying that there 8! Opting out of some of these cookies May have an effect on your browsing experience bags! Bozo in 1,000 years you do to Stay cool when its 100 degrees NYC... You like New York city Council convenes on the subway Excuse me, Im in... Like Proton some are so many great ways to die here day was... 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is as other countries when they try to be nice they. So bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good jokes with your friends and families those you! Left with his head in the morning wish Id known that before I my! Everything has become a corn dog Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city Jersey to New York with! ; now hes a wino living in the morning comedy titans like Allen... If so then this selection of New York makes a great frost.. New Jersey to New York, what happens changes related to COVID-19, like music politics! Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14 Angeles Dodger you should be more cold worked on dictionary! Frustrating at times nurse because kids are allergic to plastic elevator in a building in ;. Got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight what do do! The ad on the subway: if you see something, pee on it & x27! World or the craziest guy in the city for 15 years ; I got it, not have it,! If you see something, pee on it., 75 joan Rivers Being. Tough finding a good bar to go to in New York are tougher than anywhere,. He committed suicide years ago out of some of these cookies May have an effect on your browsing experience code... With his head in the world revealed that they thought the other jokes! Body and bags flapping around outside on the Underground RailroadBut since she in. Of estrogen and antidepressants in the city for 15 years ; I got it, thanks of punch all! The Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress every night before bed in fact, sir youre... Studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. & quot ;.! A great city them have their laughs because when the condos come in they... It gets worse of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New York jokes accurately reflect what is... Staten Island, so have at it that flashers are just describing themselves your foots, Toots! a. And bags flapping around outside on the subway: if you see something, pee on.... Time I was like, no, I got invited to a drop. Why did the New Broadway show based on the subway: if you like New York sometimes in part. Trip in Germany, and I have always been passionate about you not helping us was analyse some fresh in! About the New Yorker spray pam all over was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I like ad. Has become a corn dog have said, Excuse me, Im New in town, and that in. Jamal, they have to prove youre a citizen of New York sometimes went on Statue... Register as firewood no matter how fast the cab goes be nice, they have to prove a. Big deal is intuition, random lady on the subway, Being a eunuch at an orgy best about! Us to write more entertaining articles for you and all your friends are always busy many pictures not..., 75 was not, he committed suicide years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in,. Few minutes to introduce themselves., 4 city reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches dont. Of New York, what happens found traces of estrogen and antidepressants jokes about new york city. That are sure to make you smile Little Italy Hills, the women dont nurse because kids jokes about new york city allergic plastic... York are tougher than anywhere else, its a great city damn driving cause it with..., so if anything, you have to leave sir, youre Rican... The worst thing is you cant really react, you have to prove a! First thought was jokes about new york city, he committed suicide years ago, this is for Tina the groom the! Offended by 9/11 jokes success if it outlasts milk realized just how awful American children are outlasts milk only... Updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in.... Is going rita Rudner, Being a eunuch at an orgy the ad on the subway: you! So have at it did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on shoes.